Welcome to M Jane Colette!
WHO’S THIS GIRL? M. Jane Colette writes tragedy for people who like to laugh, comedy for the melancholy, and erotica for women and men who like their fantasies real. She believes rules and hearts were made to be broken; ditto the constraints of genres. Her “too smart to be porn, too dirty to be literature” novels include Tell Me, Consequences (of defensive adultery), Cherry Pie Cure, and Text Me, Cupid (releasing in all formats, including audio, in December 2018). She lives in Calgary, Alberta, except when she doesn’t.
ABOUT THE BOOK: Cherry Pie Cure by M. Jane Colette (GENRES were made to be BROKEN, 2017)
A woman scorned. A blog. An outrageously sexy stock boy. A tribe of strange Internet friends. Flying packages of sex toys. And, a to-die-for cherry pie recipe.
Genres/Categories: Contemporary romance, rom-com, chick lit with bite
Notable: Winner of the 2018 Next Generation Indie Book Award in the Chick Lit Category
When Susan discovers her husband of twenty-two years is cheating on her, she is sure her life is over. And she thinks her friend Marcella’s advice that she work through her feelings in a blog is stupid. She just wants to sit on the couch in her ex’s old bathrobe, feel sorry for herself, and chain-smoke. But her growing blogging tribe and a delectable (“OMFG how old is he?”) real life stranger have other plans for her… if Susan’s brave enough to embrace them.
My mother-in-law wants to medicate me, and maybe she’s right
posted by susan-oh-susan / march 8 at 8:12 pm / uncategorized / 29 comments
So I swear to God I was going to give you a total play-by-play of what happened but then John’s mother called.
[DELETED FOR BREVITY: Susan recounts the phone conversation with her mother-in-law, who makes Susan feel TERRIBLE about herself.]
The phone rang again.
I unplugged it.
(Of course. What else would I do? For the record, I am so sick of crying, I can’t even tell you. Maybe I should go to a doctor and get meds. We’re so lucky they make them now, aren’t we? “Stop crying and stop feeling stupid” meds. Do they sell “Don’t feel old and useless” meds too? I need some of those.)
Then I went to the bathroom and looked at my puffy eyes and red nose and cried some more, because if I wasn’t fat, I might as well be, because I was puffy. And lumpy.
Dumped for someone named Jewel. Jewel! Who sent pictures of her not-that-great—but I guess she thinks they’re great if she’s photographing and texting them—breasts to my husband.
Who couldn’t even be bothered…
…and that pie… what was I thinking?
Tell me I’m not fat and lumpy and awful and tell me that John didn’t go and have an affair because I stopped taking care of myself and tell me I never, ever have to talk to my mother-in-law again, and please tell me…
I don’t know.
29 comments on My mother-in-law wants to medicate me, and maybe she’s right:
sugar&spice76: Honey, you are beautiful. Vibrant. Amazing. And your mother-in-law is a douche, just like her son.
susan-oh-susan: She’s not, you know. She’s really a lovely, good person. Why did she say such awful things to me?
FemmeFataleFun: It’s a mother-in-law thing. They’re all evil bitches. The people who tell you they have the best relationship ever with their mother-in-law are lying.
susan-oh-susan: But I totally did have the best relationship ever with my mother-in-law! She thought I was great! She never said a mean thing to me… Well, I mean, she was all about John, right? He was the apple-of-her-eye and couldn’t do anything wrong… but I was totally good enough for him. She never said I wasn’t.
mommyshidinginthebathroom3: Anybody else reading between the lines here?
BeautifulThingsEveryday: OMFG, Susan, I’m leaving work right now and driving over to the Safeway to find out what your stock boy looks like—you are killing me.
susan-oh-susan: Do! Not!
susan-oh-susan: Marcella? Please tell me you didn’t go to Safeway?
BeautifulThingsEveryday: I’m at Safeway. I just bought some discounted Valentine’s Day chocolate. Incidentally, it’s a really good deal—everything fifty per cent off, and seventy-five off the uber-kitschy stuff. OMFG. Ladies. The boy. Those lips. The eyes. The eyebrows—I never thought eyebrows could be sexy. I kind of wanted to lick these. And really, it’s sort of a unibrow. Should not be sexy, right? But fuck. It is. And his nose and chin. Also, she’s right about the neck. I want to crawl in there and spend eternity kissing just one spot there. Mmmmm.
FemmeFataleFun: Need a moment?
BeautifulThingsEveryday: Having a moment.
FemmeFataleFun: Ready to recant?
FemmeFataleFun: “I’m not a fan, myself.”
BeautifulThingsEveryday: Fuck yeah. Hairy sexist Persian men for the win. OMFG.
sugar&spice76: Honey, if you’re going to stalk Susan’s love interest, do it properly. Thank you for telling us he has lips, eyes, and a nose. Also eyebrows and a neck. WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?
BeautifulThingsEveryday: Fucking perfect. Susan, if you don’t seduce him, I’m dumping Raoul and putting all my energy into getting this boy into my pants. I think I’m going to go buy something else now just so he can check me out again.
ilikeherbooty-full: Take a picture.
susan-oh-susan: I am going to kill you. Marcella, specifically. All the rest of you too. Stop it.
BeautifulThingsEveryday: He just said, “So nice to see you again,” totally straight and un-ironic, and smiled at me, and I want to wash his feet.
ilikeherbooty-full: What the fuck? That’s your fetish?
BeautifulThingsEveryday: It’s a metaphor, moron. OMFG. Susan. Bake more pie and let’s deliver it together.
susan-oh-susan: You need to leave Safeway right now.
FemmeFataleFun: Susan? You need to get out the Rabbit and have some fun with it while thinking about this delish boy. Instead of agonizing over your MIL.
ilikeherbooty-full: Agreed. Although you can think of me too.
ilikeherbooty-full: You too sweetheart. Wanna find out if we perv in the same way? I bet your Raoul’s got nothing on me.
Did you know that Canada’s… really big?
How big? This big:
“Canada’s Really Big”
by the Arrogant Worms
When I look around me, I can’t believe what I see
It seems as if this country has lost its will to live
The economy is lousy, we barely have an army
But we can still stand proudly ’cause Canada’s really big
We’re the second largest country on this planet earth
And if Russia keeps on shrinking then soon we’ll be first
(As long as we keep Quebec)
The USA has tanks and Switzerland has banks
They can keep them thanks, they just don’t amount
’cause when you get down to it, you find out what the truth is
It isn’t what you do with it its the size that counts
Most people will tell you that France is pretty large
But you can put fourteen France’s into this land of ours
(It’d take a lot of work, It’d take a whole lot of work)
We’re larger than Malaysia, almost as big as Asia
We’re bigger than Australia and it’s a continent
So big we seldom bother to go see one another
Though we often go to other countries for vacations
Our mountains are very pointy, our prairies are not
The rest is kinda bumpy, but man do we have a lot
(we’ve got a lot of land, we’ve got a whole lot of land)
So stand up and be proud and sing out very loud
We stand out from the crowd ’cause Canada’s really big
CANADA’S ALSO REALLY BEAUTIFUL!
I live in the land of the shameless sky. Our sky is so beautiful, it sometimes hurts to look at it. And it just—it just shows off. Sunsets, sunrises. Storms. Sunny days. She’s obscene. My friends and I, we send each other pics tagged #skyporn. Our sky is just that hot.
This is a photograph of our sky hugging our foothills. This middle of nowhere looking place, by the way? It’s essentially in the middle of our 1.2 million person city.
Canadian Trivia Question:
True or False: Canada has never had a female Prime Minister.
Win a signed paperback of the award-winning Cherry Pie Cure! To enter answer the true/false question above. Winner will be selected on Wednesday.
Hint: The answer can be found by visiting Lucy Farago.
Looking for the answer to Cameron’s trivia question? Paul Henderson